Legolas and Gimli on Vacation
by Tom Bombadilo
Summary: Title sums it up well. Very serious. First, they go to the moon. Then, they go to Minas Tirith. Then, they go to Hawaii.


**Legolas and Gimli on Vacation  
**_Saraman; 2003_

_A/N: You really, really don't wanna know... _

One ordinary-ish, moonlit evening, Legolas and Gimli were strolling through Fangorn Forest, when suddenly, they heard resounding stomping.

"Sounds like Treebeard's havin' a party," mused Gimli.

Suddenly, Treebeard conveniently emerged from the trees and stopped. "Little Orcs, Burarum!" he sputtered so slowly they weren't really sure if he was angry or not. "Mora-maita-sinca-honda!"

Legolas waved him off. "We're not Orcs," he said. "We're innocent travelers. Besides, we've met before. You must have amnesia or... amtreesia... or whatever."

Treebeard hesitated and finally asked, "You're not friends of Merry and Pippin, are you?"

"Oh," said Gimli with a chuckle, "those little bar-hoppers."

"Yeah, we know 'em," said Legolas, absently munching on some way-bread. He looked up at the full moon, barely visible through the tangled masses of trailing ivy, moss and branches. "I've always had this fascination with the moon. How about you give us a lift there, Treebeard. This is a gratuitous-type story, so you should be able to fly... right?"

"Hmmm... I suppose," responded the overgrown shrub. "Up you come, then." Legolas leaped speedily up, but Gimli was still struggling to climb up onto Treebeard's big toe. "Sorry, little orc," said Treebeard, experiencing another bout of "amtreesia." He scooped the dwarf up onto his shoulder. Then, to the elf and dwarf's delight and slight consternation, Treebeard sprouted wings and flew towards the moon.

(Even though Legolas and Gimli should have died because there's no oxygen in space, this is a fantasy and so anything can happen. And besides, they can't die; they compose two-thirds of the main characters in this ficlet. Only expendable characters like Haldir and a bunch of unnamed Rohirrim and Gondorians can die.)

Anyway, when they got to the moon, Treebeard landed and his wings disappeared. "Down you go," he said.

Legolas and Gimli jumped off. The elf landed all right, but the dwarf, not so well. He fell into a crater. The crater wasn't terribly deep, but at the bottom lay sharp spikes of rock. Gimli conveniently landed on them and skewered his rear. Howling, he flew out of the crater.

Legolas took one look at the enraged dwarf and started convulsing with laughter because he was slightly sadistic and liked gratuitous violence.

Gimli glowered at the elf. "Bring your pretty face to my axe!" he growled.

Legolas smiled, then frowned. "Hey, no fair re-using lines!" He ran a ways away and stopped.

Gimli sprinted at top Dwarf speed (all of 2.5 miles an hour) towards Legolas. But Legolas leaped out of the way at the last possible second and Gimli plunged into _another _crater that the elf had been standing in front of. At the bottom of this crater there was a little creature that said, "Greetings Middle-earthling!" in a strange, ET type voice. Gimli was so scared, he shook like a leaf. He bounced on a moon cactus (boing!) and catapulted himself out of the crater (whoosh!).

Unfortunately, the moon creature was quickly on its way ("Arghhhhhhh!!"). "Now that I have eaten Treebeard," it said, changing its voice to a gurgly, alienish intonation, "I'll start on you two!" It reached out to pluck Gimli out of the sky. (The dwarf had just bounced on another moon cactus.) But just as it did, it tripped over its shoelace and plunged into a volcanic crater. ("Waaaaa!!")

Later at the citadel of Minas Tirith (The Middle-earth equivelent of the White House)...

"Gimli and Legolas... you've diverted the asteroid from smashing into our planet, repaired the Anduin Dam with lembas bread and a spatula, and have thwarted the efforts of the über-evil moon creature. How can we ever say thank-you?"

"Actually, King Aragorn (Mr. President)," replied Gimli, "all we want is a great big mug of beer."

"Who's we, dwarf-man?" said Legolas. "I want Dorwinion!"

"Beer!"

"Dorwinion!"

"Ent draught!" cried Merry and Pippin. "Speaking of which, where's Treebeard?"

"I'm right here," said the tree. "After I was engulfed by that horrid creature, I went for a lovely swim in stomach acid! Sound like your kind of vacation? You can't even sunbathe!"

"All right!" said Legolas and Gimli, giving each other a high five. "Let's start packing!"

Later at the beach:

"This is the life, Gimli," said Legolas, sipping Dorwinion from a straw. "I mean, we come to Hawaii to sunbathe, and there's all these people on the beach. Not a square rod of room. Anyway, the second we step out, the place clears like magic. Not a soul left. Go figure."

"That's a lovely bathing suit you have on, Legolas," said Gimli. "That print is definitely your style."

Legolas examined Gimli's. "Can't say the same for yours," he said. "Do you Dwarves always wear speedos?"

"Well, _you're _wearing one," retorted Gimli, burying his stubby toes in the sand.

"Yes," said Legolas, "but between you and me, I think I look better in one."

Gimli pouted for about three seconds, then got over it.

**Finis**


End file.
